This post is raw and from the depths of my soul. With grammar errors and all.
Bare with me..
This last week we went to see Heidi Baker (she is so inspiring)..she is a missionary from Mozambique.
It was an amazing night..truly amazing. The worship was wonderful.
It was towards the end, as I was sitting there…the worship leader started singing
the song “The More I Seek You” by Kari Jobi.
I’ve heard it a thousand times…but this night was different.
I am 40+ and have NEVER known the love of an earthly father like a girl needs.
All my life, all I can remember is my dad being an alcoholic. I knew nothing else. He was there every night…but not there. I am sure if you grew up this way you understand.
I have some memories of him teaching me how to ride my bike, maybe going to lake…but nothing else good.
As I grew older, started a family, our relationship grew very strained.
He would call me at random times in my life and tell me what a miserable failure I was to him. I was not his daughter, he disowned me.
Then call ask for forgiveness (which I always gave)..then months later do the same thing….some things I just can’t repeat on here, but you wouldn’t say them to your worst enemy.
He tried to get my daughters involved in his hate for me..
That didn’t work, so he would come at me again..full hateful force.
The wounds have cut to the very core of my soul.
Since the time I gave my life to Christ I have learned to completely forgive my father.
I choose to not have a relationship with him, because of the pain and it just is not something I need in my life at this time.
But the desire to have an earthly father does not go away, EVER!
This last year and a half has been joyful, painful etc. I would love nothing more to have an earthly father to call and say daddy take care of this..daddy hug me…daddy wipe my tears.daddy lets go to lunch..daddy hold me, daddy are you proud of me.. That’s all a girl wants.
BUT….I don’t have that…
But that night during worship and listening to the song above…I felt my heavenly father take me in His arms, lift my chin up and say..I am proud of your, I love you, I will take care of it my daughter, I will wipe your tears, I am holding you and I am with you at lunch, ALWAYS.
I just about lost it…I completely came undone.
I might not have an earthly father in my life, but I have a heavenly father that loves me more then an earthly one ever will or could.
He is with me ALL the time, He never leaves my side. He gives me amazing gifts, He protects me, He guides me..He LOVES ME!!!
People might not understand my faith. But I can’t imagine a day without my heavenly father..my only regret is, I wish I would of know about him alot sooner. We have alot of catching up to do.
I love you daddy.
Hey daddy, you want to go play?